Relationship Math might seem like an oversimplification of what it takes to be an effective communicator, family member or friend these days, but its intent is to simplify some of your current relationships (or struggles with relationships) so that while you're learning how to "be" in relationship with others, you can learn about yourself and what is important to you. Asking God for help with this is always a good idea. It's important to check in with Him in all things, because He truly cares about you and me. Read on for more about this process...
- Know your YESes and NOs:
List at least 10 things that are a "must" for your guy or gal or friend to have. Make another list of ten things you absolutely will not put up with. For some people, making the NO list is easier than making the YES list. Do whichever one is easiest to start with. But this is mandatory. Ten of each is a must. While we can't choose our family members, we can pick our battles and choose to set boundaries. Start by reading up on what a boundary is in the first place here.
For example:
YES: Christian, kind, honest, thoughtful, understanding, patient, balanced work-play ethic, faithful, trustworthy
NO: Manipulative, dishonest, secretive, messy, bad hygiene, isn’t a Christian, doesn’t like to talk on the phone, doesn’t respect his parents and/or elders, problems with authority
- No dating sites and no online "relationships":
By definition, a relationship is a mutual interest in and attempt to spend time with and on another person. It goes both ways. Online "relationships" in contrast, don't require someone to prove that they are who they say they are. It is much more difficult for someone to follow what they say with what they do, so that the person observing their behavior can ensure their words match their actions. This is of utmost importance to continually do when in the company of another person you are getting to know--especially romantically.
Online avenues for dating are rife with problems: duplicity abounds, as do those people who are professing a desire for an intimate relationship when all they really want is to bolster their flagging self-esteem by any means necessary. This usually includes playing mind games to some degree and denying involvement with other people at the same time they are talking with you. It's just not a win-win situation to begin with, so there's no reason to expect that anyone is who or what they claim to be.
The foundation of your potential relationship partner needs to be primarily in person. Although there are legends of long-distance relationships working out to the benefit of both partners, this is rare and not the norm.
Do expect some awkwardness during your in-person interactions, at least at first. Our society has shifted in general to an online paradigm, with texts being more common than phone calls for those under 60 years of age. Shifting your focus to in real life interactions is likely to cause a bit of anxiety and some feelings of awkwardness because most people don't do relationships the old-fashioned in real life ways anymore. Give yourself time to adjust.
- Remember your end goal: Do the math.
When getting to know a new paramour, it's easy to give them the benefit of the doubt. Most people like to ensure that they will be given some slack for making mistakes in the beginning, as it's impossible to know what another person will be like and what they will accept. You are both likely to rub each other the wrong way once or twice in the beginning. This is a good way also to test the other person's character. If the other person offends you and you let them know this politely and they continue to do the same behavior, this is a red flag.
It is helpful to refer to your list of YES and NO qualities. Having this already written down and refer to makes it more likely that you will adhere to your own boundaries instead of letting them off the hook in the moment due to emotions.
If the person does any of your NO behaviors clearly, don't wait for "three strikes and you're out." Call them on the behavior, and see how they respond. If they get defensive, there is likely no room to wiggle. You must keep yourself accountable to yourself and God by standing your ground and stating explicitly that you will not tolerate this behavior. Then leave the scene immediately.
If they bombard you with phone calls and/or texts, you're done. You have already communicated what you are williing to accept and what you are not willing to accept. You owe no further information or explanation and will actually be reinforcing their toxic behavior by responding. Block and move on.
On the flip side of this, be wary of someone who gets "everything right." If the person you're seeing always seems to have the magical things to say to make you feel better, they're always available to you to talk with and they don't argue with you -- beware. They are likely using tactics to sway you to like them (sometimes known as "love-bombing") and probably hiding things from you that you need to know to make an accurate assessment of their character going forward. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. When they seem perfect, run. They're not.
- Remember who's opinion matters most.
After God's opinion, my opinion of myself matters most. So where does the relationship math come in? Simple.
Keep easy access to your YES and NO lists. Take them out, at least weekly, and assess whether you and your paramour meet the qualifications of those two lists. These values are important to you. If your person is meeting at least 5 of your YES list qualifications and none of the NO ones (and I mean ZERO), you're likely okay. Also be aware of any unusual behavior you experience within yourself. If you find yourself being far more compliant than normal for you or you're relaying far more personal information about yourself that makes you feel vulnerable, ask yourself why this is. It may be that your person is a wolf in sheep's clothing and they are triggering a victim-response in you without you being aware of it. If you regularly find yourself switching into "image management" mode in order to have a conversation of any kind with your new love interest, you need to take a step back and reassess.
Because people are sometimes very good at being on their best behavior and showing you what you want to see, (usually until they get some commitment or buy-in from you that they believe you're not likely to wriggle out of), you need to give yourself time and space to process any reactions you find confusing or are surprised by with relationship to your new beau. If they balk at giving you space when you ask for it, block and move on.
If you have empathy, honesty and conscientiousness in spades, you're automatically a target for narcissists, stalkers and abusers. While this isn't always going to result in a bad situation, it's reason to keep vigilant of what your YES and NO lists are. You'll begin to recognize a problem-partner before they ever complete an action that warrants a strike in the first place.
- Have an stronger relationship with God than you do with your new person.
While I'd like to suggest you check new people out with your support group, the reality in today's world is that not everyone has a reliable support network. God is the best resource you have in this case.
If you're spending more time replying to, spending time with, and occupying this new person's space than you are with God, beware. God is the only One who can freely give us the unconditional love our human hearts crave. We were created in His image to know and love Him first. Another person won't be able to be our "everything" and if we try to make them be that to us, the relationship will fail.
A relationship comprised of two people with God at the center is the only way to succeed in a relationship. Keeping in mind that if this person ends up being our partner and eventually our spouse, we want to start by having a good foundation with God at the center of each of our lives, so that when we come together, all will be well.
While this doesn't mean we will never struggle with miscommunication or misunderstanding, God makes it easier to take responsibility for our part and move forward as part of a team. Be well.